Inspiring others through Burlesque

   I don't often write about my other hobby/passion and that is burlesque dance. 

( Fuck love fetish bash event @ mohawk place in Buffalo N.Y. Feb 17th 2018) 

    Since 2011, I've been a member of a burlesque troupe in Buffalo N.Y called the Hell's Harlots. Originally based out of a venue called Club Diablo, we now perform all over Western New York. Our performances range from 1940's burlesque, to modern day burlesque, cabaret, bellydance and theatrical skits. Currently our troupe had 4 members and we have several guest performers who frequently perform with us for different events. 

( Photo by Living in the Buff 2017. Left to right, Lady Zilla, Trixie FIrecracker, Cherry Bomb and Anatomy.) 

    My early days of burlesque consisted of never EVER stripping off garments. I never went down to pasties or a thong. People just thought "Anatomy is just shy or uncomfortable with her body". No. That was far from the truth. 

   Not until late 2015, I started to bloom and break out of my "shell". I was breaking out of a ball and chain. In November of 2015, I finally had enough. I finally ended a long toxic, controlling, and emotionally abusive relationship/marriage.

(Photo by E.Maire Photography 2014. No I would never divorce pizza, I would definitely marry it though.) 

   In 2005 I started dating a guy, I was 13 he was 15. Long story short we were the cute high school couple everyone wished to be. When you become adults things change though but they shouldn't take a turn for the worse. 

  I started modeling at 18, things really didn't take off until I was 19. By time I was 20yrs old I was in my prime. I had offers in NYC for agencies.. but I never booked that plane ticket. My boyfriend did not agree, and did not support the fact I modeled.  I decided to but that idea away, I would never be able to be a professional model.

(Me at 19, at one of my early shoots. I aspired to be a professional fashion model and was (and still) inspired by the 70's. Photo by John McDonald 2010)

   I threw away my dream for something more realistic, medical school. School took me away from him. So I dropped out. I got certified in phlebotomy, the thought of me working in a hospital or lab did not set well with him. To avoid confontation and arguements, I thought maybe the Air force reserve? I could have my school paid for and have a good career ."No, your not doing that, I refuse to relocate. also do you know what happens to women in the military? they get raped. do you wanna be raped?" So I stuck to working in retail and worked my way up the management ladder. I worked very very hard to get promoted to a salary postion. He told me to decline the offer, because the store was 45mins away from home. At this point how else could I make him happy and make good money. I took the promotion anyways and I continued modeling and burlesque and a hobby. Even still, those were extremely difficult to hold on too. 

    In 2012, he proposed. I said yes. After all these years....why not? I was told no other man would put up with my modeling and burlesque. I was told by family " all couples have their issues, its normal". this proposal came with an ultimatum. The catch, once I were to be married I was to retire from modeling, burlesque and photography. It's not how a wife behaves and I need to spend more time with my "future husband". I thought there has to be another way, he cant be serious. As time went on, so did the arguments.

   2014, I gave it all I got. Published in over 30 publications through out the U.S and U.K. After I got married... I just couldn't stop. My mother told me, "you better not quit. This is what you love. Your so good at it. Don't stop because of him."

  Mother knows best, I did it here and there. While he was at work and made sure I was home before him. Made it look like I was doing house work all day, cramming several "chores" into a 1hr window . It was no way to live. 

   I will save the gory details and the deep personal blows. Long story short. The control and emotion abuse built up and up and up. I went away for a month for job training. I would call home to talk and tell him how my day was but I always seemed to call at the worse times. I stopped calling. I was on my own for once in my life. I could eat all the carbs I wanted with out being reminded I was on a diet. I could have a glass of wine with out having to hear snarky comments about how wine is "gay". I was relaxed, I wasn't nervous, I felt human. I came home and realized I don't miss him, don't love him or this life. A co worker over heard my situation/relationship troubles one day when I was venting to another coworker. He gave me a number to a professional who specializes in abuse. I was surprised because I've never been struck or beaten. He told me to just call. That phone call lead to a counseling session that would forever change my life and kick it into high gear. I made an escape plan then I finally put my foot down and dropped the Divorce bomb on him. Things were rough for a week, he denied our break up, and didn't accept it. Finally he accepted and it seemed like we were going to be friends. A week passed and his demeanor took a nose dive. I told him is behavior & tone while trying to discuss things scared me (he would often get loud and angry, say very dark things for example implying things like suicidal thoughts) I received a text that shook me to the core "You don't have to live in fear of me, if were still together" From then on I didn't come home when he was home. I slept in my car in walmart parking lots, slept over a friends house here and there. I was afraid to be near him, I was fearful he would find me.

  In 2016, one day, announced I packed up everything and set out on my own with my dog lenard. When he came home all of what was me was gone. Starting over wasnt easy, with my furry friend and my artwork, no furniture and no bed at first. I was happy to be free. Despite an empty home it was full of peace and love. I new I could breathe, but I always kept one eye opened.

(My dapper fur baby Lenard, the only man in my life.)

   Over the past 2 yrs of being on my own and away from the toxicity. It had taken it's toll on me personally. It affected my job performance, modeling, burlesque, and how I see life. On top of a divorce, losing my car I loved because of the divorce, and crippling debt, my mother passed away all within a year span.

My mother was such huge positive influence on my life. (Read about her in my previous blog entries. It is a tissue Read) it has influenced me as an artist to share and express my experience through modeling and now finally burlesque. 

   The Hell's Harlots did a show on Feb 17th called the fuck love fetish bash. All about fetish and heart break. I suck at the whole fetish stuff. It's not my scene. 

   With my past relationship sex, porn and sexual stuff makes me uncomfortable. I decided to step it up and face my built up aggression on the stage. I decided to do a performance dedicated to my now ex husband. 

  My performance starts off me entering the stage as a bride. Lip singing the beginning of In This Moment's song "whore". I rip off my veil and throw my bouquet and rip my dress off. I reveal a school girl outfit. Pigtails, skirt, the and glasses. I dance and strip down to this black scrappy looking dominatrix outfit. I hold up 2 porn mags and I just go nuts. Ripping and tearing them apart, throwing porn into the audience. 

  I continue to dance and sing along to the song and hold up 3 poster boards with quotes on them. 

"No one else will ever love you"

"I told you how to be attractive but, you don't listen"

"Your not as tight as you used to be" 

    3 quotes that stuck in my head over the years, my ex had said to me. I was never good enough. I was suppose to be the perfect wife. Work, come home, cook and clean, pay attention to him when he wanted me too, and drop what I was doing and give him sex when he wanted it. Not just regular sex but full fill his fantasies( Fantasies I wasn't comfortable with, but i thought since I'm Married I have to do it. If I didn't have sex with him when he wanted he would give me the silent treatment) School girl, porn star, super sexy and feminine all the time. Support and accept his porn addiction. Look a certain way, act a certain way, dress a certain way and censor my hobbies/art when in the presence of his family. This took a toll on my confidence. My photos weren't sexy enough or enjoyable for his viewing. He preferred to look at other women online instead. He preferred petite big breasted blondes, something I am not nor will I ever be. Also purchasing an item for his personal alone time and the reason for this was " I don't give him enough sex " and "I wasn't as tight as I used to be" that comment hurt the most. My own husband insulted my private parts, deliberately in an argument to hurt my feelings. Then denied it later, covering it up as "Oh I didn't mean it, it was just a joke". It was the worst blow I ever received in our almost 11yr relationship. I felt like a total anatomically, functionally and visually useless woman/wife. What was the point of my exsistance to him if everything I did was imperfect. I served a purpose as a human and I was not built for him. I was rather, built for something greater.... art.

The audience roared, the last sign I held up, and I watched. The audience jaws were on the floor, some people in the crowd with tears starting to form in their eyes, friends who know my story just clapping and cheering. This is what taking back your life feels like. It was such a rush, I was on cloud nine. No man, no one could crush me. I was free. Letting go years of emotional abuse, frustration, gas lighting, fear, and silence. It was time for me to free myself but also to let the world know the truth of my situation, my story. I no longer feared retaliation.

My troupe leader and close friend Lady Zilla, walked on stage, approached me with open arms. Iheld back my tears, as she gave me this big hug. I've never felt so loved and supported in so long, not since my mom was alive. She was so proud of me, she told the crowd a little bit of my past and story. The crowd just screamed and applauded. This was my ending to an era, I was opening that emotional door and starting the healing process.

    After I got off stage I was greeted by fans. So many were inspired by my performance, thanked me for my bravery, shared their story with me. I told them "Your not alone, your abuse is valid even though it may have not be physical, emotional abuse is real".

   Days after the event, my inbox has messages from men and women reaching out to me thanking me. One person had me in tears. They thanked me for saving their life. My performance inspired them to go home and break up with their partner who was abusive towards their pet and emotionally abusive. They realized while watching my performance, it's not ok to be emotionally abused. They also thought "what if, I'm next? First the dog? Then me?" They left their unhealthy relationship and thanked me for helping them take a positive step in their life. That message was one of the most rewarding things I've ever heard as an artist.

    I love that I have the opportunity to share my art, inspire others and help others just like me. I found my purpose. I'm so grateful I never EVER gave up this performance art or modeling. I look back it now and realize how lucky I am and was to have that coworker and handful of friends to support me through one of the most hardest and nightmarish time in my life. Some stories I read have tragic endings, I'm glad I got away from it all with out a scratch, with my life. I love the life I have now built and you know what, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

(Performing in the middle of a roller rink for the 2017 buffalo infringement festival, boogeying with some random skaters in the middle of the rink after the show)

For future shows and events! Follow the Hell's Harlots on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/hellsharlots